The Dentist's Coach ® Blog

To have a healthy life, you must have healthy boundaries with other people. Use this checklist to see what you can shore up!

• To be in relationship with me, people MUST listen and honor what I say.
• No snide comments, subtle digs or less than honoring conversation – no matter what.
• I tell everyone exactly how they may talk to me, treat me or be with me.
• I simply walk away from people who are angry or are inappropriate with me.
• I don’t help people unless they have specifically asked that I do so and I can do so with virtually no cost to myself.
• I spend my time with people who always see the best in me, not with those who disregard or belittle me. I quickly sense toxic people and I stay away!
• I know my 3 core needs and am now getting them satisfied.
• I do not engage in bottom line behaviors. I say no to people who want things from me that may cost me to give.
• I do not abuse my body in any way.
• I know in the moment when I am disturbed (vs. feeling or recognizing it later).
• I feel comfortable questioning people, their motives and what is happening right now.
• I am willing to speak up and be heard.
• I tell the truth as soon as I sense it.
• I have stopped tolerating anything, anytime.
• I do not use the phrases if…then, I’m fine (when I am not), whatever you can do.
• When I don’t like something, I change it.
• I do not wait, rationalize or explain, ever.
• If I don’t want to, I say NO and am willing for others not to like that answer.
• Things and people are either acceptable or unacceptable and I act accordingly.
• If things are not going the way I want, I make a clear and firm request of those involved.
• Regardless of the perceived consequences, I now speak my mind and do what I want, not what I think I should do.
• It is now okay with me that not everyone likes or loves me. They can even dislike me. That is their thing, not mine.
• People must be straight with me.

I am not the author of these questions, although as a coach, I have often asked them of my clients. I think they are worthy to think about and dig inside yourself for the answers. Remember, these questions have no right or wrong answers, because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
22. Why are you, you?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
25. What are you most grateful for?
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
32. If not now, then when?
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

Decisions are being made right now.

The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I often get asked about how to go about giving raises.

My first response is “Why?”, something I normally don’t ask.

Remember that raises are “permanent” and affect many other elements of your practice, such as taxes, retirement plans, and more. An increase is wages is irreversible and should only be reserved for those team members that are performing exceptionally well consistently. What that means is that they are consistently going above and beyond what you hired them for in the first place, going beyond their job description and assignments.

I always offer pay increases to my team, and I tell them that I increase pay based on performance and not promise. I also use a form I developed (just email me for the form) called a Salary Conference Form, in which the team member fills out the information and schedules a time to meet with me. The form outlines three areas that would be considered for pay raises. These are:

• Increase the productivity and profitability of the practice
• Decrease the overhead of the practice
• Contribute in a tangible way to improve the image of the practice

Once they have completed the form, I meet with them to discuss their plans in any or all of these areas, then assist them in developing a plan to help them reach their goals. We also agree on a time to review their progress and results, and we also decide how much the pay raise would be.

Sounds good, right?

Generally speaking, most team members will not be willing to do what is necessary to deserve an increase in pay, but almost all think they deserve an increase in pay. For this reason, I use a Compensation Review form at the beginning of each year to review with them all of the costs to the practice associated with their employment, since most team members think that what they’re being paid is what they see on their paycheck after taxes have been taken out, which will be more this year.

Associated with this is the Cost of Living increase.

This is an increase that you must be careful with, as it is also permanent and can affect your bottom line in a significant way. If your practice is profitable and you feel you can afford this type of increase, then do it, but not by a percentage, since everyone’s percentage will be different. Pick a number, say $2000, and give each team member the same $2000 cost of living increase. You can avoid giving these type of increases for several years if your profitability is flat or declining, but you may have to eventually give some sort of cost of living increase. So, make sure you’re focused and making enough money each year to be able to do this!

Those who know their WHY are the ones who lead. They are the ones who inspire.

So says Simon Sinek, the author of “Start With Why”.

In dentistry, we’re great with knowing WHAT we do, and for the most part, our teams generally know HOW we do what we do. But few – if any – really “get it” on WHY we do what we do.

No, it’s not as simple as “because people need dental care” or “because that’s how I make my living”. It’s much deeper than that, and it’s a question that is worth pondering a very long time.

When you can answer that question, you will inspire your team and your clients to promote and accept the care you can provide.

What proof? Look at what Apple has done. It took Steve Jobs years to really get it right, and when he really honed it on WHY Apple does what it does, that company took off.

So, is it worth it to you to ponder this question? Want to engage in a conversation?

There are very few dentists I talk with that don’t have some level of fear and/or anxiety about what the future holds for them and their practice.

Whether it’s Obamacare, insurance industry changes, corporate dentistry, finding an associate, debt, or any other of a hundred items, the dial has been turned up on the fear factor. Telling you all will be well isn’t going to change how you feel.

For those of you who have practiced for at least 15 years, you’ve at least seen some ebb-and-flow to know that everything is temporary, but yet you’re still concerned.

Fear is a very interesting subject, one that’s been written about for thousands of years. And, in no other culture I know of except the American culture does fear reign King. Think about that for a minute, if you would. One thing for sure, if you can scare someone, they’ll probably do what you say. Interesting, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, it’s a tactic I’ve seen used in dentistry, and I don’t like it one bit. Look up quotes on fear; there’s thousands of them.

I ask you to think about the role that fear makes in your decision-making process in your practice … how does it contribute to your feeling of success, peace, fulfillment, and happiness? Does it work well, or not so well?

Are you ready to make changes?

Are you playing victim? As the leader, manager, parent, or any other role that you play in your life, either at work or at home, are you succumbing to blaming others, the economy, the President, or any others for what’s going on in your life and business?

I was, and I couldn’t believe it. How could I have been lulled into being a victim? I had actually convinced myself that I was doing everything I could to lead my business into prosperity, that I was doing everything I could … Yet, I noticed the decline. I racked my brain. What was it that we could do better? More efficiently? More effectively? My answers came up: nothing, nothing. Everyone says we are doing everything “right”. Look at our awards. Must not be me. Oops.

I began first by blaming the economy. Then the President. Then the insurance companies. Then my landlord. Then those that had tried to help me. No matter what, I couldn’t see that what was happening was the result of what I was doing. It just couldn’t be!

I was playing victim out of my own righteousness. Worse, I was playing leader and victim.

We all have fallen prey to similar, if not the same situations. We begin by looking outside of ourselves for the answers, and when we don’t find them, when we think we’ve done everything we can, we do what most people end up doing: blaming others. We have then become the victim.

So, I have one simple coaching question for you this month: What are you playing victim to in your life?

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are. After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of the house!

We tell ourselves that life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire.

The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with . . . and remember that time waits for no one.

Stop waiting . . . until your car is paid off, until you get a new home, until your kids leave the house, until you go back to school, until you finish school, until you lose 10 pounds, until you gain 10 pounds, until you get married, until you get a divorce, until you have kids, until you retire, until summer, until spring, until winter.

Or, until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Discussion boards are alive these days with ideas, complaints, fear, inaccuracies, promises, gimmicks, and much, much more. It’s easy to get sucked into the ruckus because everyone has an opinion, and sometimes these opinions erupt into near name-calling. What the heck is going on?

I’m not here to take sides, tell you what you should be doing to create the future you want, or to offer solutions to the woes of dentists and dentistry.

I am here to coach you about creating and developing the skills necessary to adapt and flourish in rapidly changing times. Understand this:

• The past is over. You can’t change it, it happened. The End. Next page.
• The future is not under your dictatorial control. You can influence your future, and if you are so-minded, you can help influence the course of dentistry.
• The present is happening right now, so don’t fall asleep at the wheel. You cannot go to work every day and just see how much dentistry you can convince someone to pay you for. That will lead to big troubles.
• In order to be able to adapt and flourish, you have to start looking at yourself. Who are you? Yes, I know, a dentist, among many other roles you play. That’s not what I’m asking. What I’m asking is who are you at the core of your being? Don’t want to think about it? I’m not your guy. If I am your guy, then I want you to identify your values and principles and commit them to paper. Think about this for a while. What guides your decisions, your direction, and your life? Do you listen to your own inner voice, or do you jump from one person or organization that claims to have the next grand solution?
• What ways have you created reserves in your life? Perhaps you’re running your practice from month-to-month, hoping you have enough to pay the bills … without having to make any changes in how you operate or the income you’re taking. Perhaps you’re also living at home month-to-month, also. Do you have a plan for creating reserves in your life? And, I don’t just mean monetary reserves, but reserves of time, renewal, introspection, personal growth, professional development – and more.
• Do you have high standards in all you do? Do you meet those standards daily? Are you brave enough to set the bar higher than what it is now, or have you let things slip for whatever reason?
• Do you plan, or do you “wing it”? What about involving your team? Have you become frustrated with them, even to the point of blaming them for the state of your practice? Have you resorted to being a micro-manager, or just thrown in the towel?

These are tough – even brutal, “in-your-face” questions – but nevertheless are questions you’ve got to address if you’re going to create a future of choice, despite what the President, the ADA, the AGD, our government, or the insurance industry throws at us. A one- or two legged stool that you may be perched on will easily topple. It’s time to build an indestructible practice and life that will happen no matter what comes your way. It’s times like these that separate the pros from the hacks, the leaders from the followers, and the survivors from the victims. Truly, we don’t have it that bad, but if you want to believe it is, then go ahead; how well would that serve you?

I didn’t become a professional coach until I had been practicing dentistry for fourteen years. It was during the last five of those fourteen years that I began asking myself all of these difficult questions, and most importantly, started doing something about it. I was given a deck of cards that no dentist would envy, and one that would’ve done most dentists “in”. I could’ve easily chosen a different path, but I didn’t.

One of the things I discovered is that I wasn’t as stupid as everything I read told me I was. The second thing I discovered was that all of us have the answers – and the guts – inside of us to make the changes in our lives and practices that only we know the intimate details about. Third, I discovered that my purpose was to help others find their own way. Thus, true professional coaching because a passion of mine the past eleven years, and yes, I practice dentistry full time, too.

What are the steps that you can take to create a different present reality (if you want one) or a preferred future of choice (if you want that one, too)? As a professional coach who won’t step over that pile in the floor (you know what I’m referring to), here are some starters that – if you choose to complete them – will pay dividends from this point forward.

1. Set aside time to honestly and openly answer the above questions. Get help to brainstorm if you need it.
2. Decide what skills you need to improve to be able to raise your standards.
3. Develop a one month, six month, one year, and five year plan. To do this for your practice, follow a template, such as Jim Horan’s One Page Business Plan. Evaluate often – very often. Changing times means changing plans – or dying on the vine.
4. Clean up all the things you’ve been putting up with in your practice and your life. If you spend a lot of time putting out fires, being pulled away from important tasks, or enabling people to be poor employees, you can’t spend the time you need to tend to the important tasks.
5. Take care of yourself. A vacation is not a CE course. Eating fast food is not giving you more time. Sleeping fewer hours isn’t creating more productive hours each day.
6. Quit competing with anyone or everyone; it won’t serve you. Look to collaborate, connect, and communicate. Learn how to let your ego take a back seat.

Greater success, a solid practice, and a rewarding life doesn’t happen by chance; it happens by hard work. Time to roll up your sleeves!

For the very few of us dentists who found a calling to become professional personal and business coaches and took the time, focus, and energy to complete a professional training program, we get more than a little irked by people who call themselves coaches without the credentials to back it.

No, they are not doing anything illegal or even unethical, since coaching is not yet a licensed profession. Again, not yet.

Coaching is one of those business buzzwords that hit the scene in the early 90’s and has continued to gain momentum. Dentists are still grappling with the concept, and most aren’t even sure what it is.

Basic components of professional coaching have been studied at leading business schools, such as Harvard, and found to be many times more effective than consulting alone. Yet, many consultants claim to be coaching, when in fact, they’re doing very little of it. Coaching does not mean showing you how to do something and then leaving you to do it; that’s consulting.

So, is consulting valuable? Sure it is. Will it get you to where you want to be in your life and practice? Maybe, although I will say that most all of my clients have “used” more than one consultant in their career and are still lacking what they really want.

How can I explain coaching to you in a way that you would understand and realize that it is an incredibly powerful asset to you and your life?

One way would be for me to line up my clients and let them tell you their stories and how coaching changed their life; that might get your attention!

Another way would be to give you analogies … examples of related professions that would help you understand the difference.

Maybe I could ask you to look at information on highly credible websites such as http://www.internationalcoachfederation.org or http://www.coachinc.com. Would you take the time to look at these through your busy days?

You could make a small investment of buying my latest book off of my website, or if you have a Kindle, purchase it on Amazon.com. Perhaps that investment of your time would help you.

The reality is, unless your in some sort of “pain”, you’re likely not to seek assistance. That pain can be anything from frustration about your practice to anxiety about doing dentistry to wanting a more cohesive team to just about anything that brings you angst. That’s what may get you to coaching, but the real gift of coaching goes way beyond that.

The only way you’d truly know is by experiencing coaching. To do that, all you have to do is try it. Most professional coaches (including me) offer complimentary sessions for you to experience the power of coaching. It’s a simple as making a phone call or sending an email to schedule a session.

Why not? Why not right now? You can have the life of your dreams, but not if you just sit around thinking about it.

When that was first said to me as a very young dentist, I thought it was crazy. Love your patient? What’s that got to do with what we do?

I was so naïve. How can we possibly love our patients?

I suppose I should first explain what was meant by that phrase. Naturally, “loving your patient” is not the romantic type of love, nor is it a physical, intimate, social, or other types of love you share with family, significant others, and friends.

Loving your patient means not only accepting them as they come to you for help, but also doing so in a loving, caring, understanding manner. It also means treating them as you would want to be treated. 

Now, I know that naysayer part of your brain is already kicking in, and you’re thinking of Mrs. Jones last week, who just makes your stomach flip when you saw her on your schedule. Or, that patient who is so demanding and unreasonable you know that you’ll never please him/her, end up “losing your shirt,” or even end up with a lawsuit. Yikes! How can one possibly “love” these types of people?

 In the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, one small part of the book discusses which doctors get sued and why. In short, a group of people where shown a 30 second video clip of a doctor interacting with a patient, without any audio attached to the clip. With a high degree of accuracy, this group of people – all questioned  independently – were able to pick out which doctors had been sued and which had not. How? Quite simply, they were able to pick up on those doctors who really cared, who really listened, and whose body language said those things, too.

 Love comes in many forms. From our work as professionals, it means caring for the people who choose us for their care without judgment (people are tired of being judged), without placing our own value system on them, to be fully present and listening when they speak.

You know from your own experiences when you are with someone who really cares about you and when someone doesn’t.  To be honest, I don’t really think you’ll do this, but I’d like for you to make a list of what someone who cares for you – in the context of a health care provider – actually does that makes you feel cared for in a sincere, powerful way. What did they do?

 Now, what do you do as a health care provider? Is there a difference?

Imagine all these people who come to you for care. How would your practice change if you were to be that provider for your own personal care that made you feel so loved?

One of my early mentors was a physician who by my estimation is no “rocket scientist”. However, his practice has been overflowing for the over 30 years I have known him, despite all the changes in the healthcare system. Why? I witnessed how much love he showed each and every patient no matter his or her illness, predicament, concern, or problem. He took the time to listen, and you can bet every single patient felt loved by him. Now in his late 70’s, he’s still doing the same, and he never will retire, not because he needs or wants more money (he doesn’t belong to any country clubs, drive expensive cars, or live in a large home). He simply loves his patients in a way that he wants to care for them until he is simply unable. 

Can you imagine what our profession would be like if we were all that way? Can you imagine what our entire health care system could be like? Can you imagine how the public’s perceptions of dentists and dentistry would change if we all would adopt a loving attitude toward our patients?

YOU can, and YOU can start immediately. Pay no attention to what other doctors are doing. Forget about insurance companies, marketing, and more. Love your patients by giving them your full attention, being curious about their concern and needs, paying attention to their values, wants, and needs, and giving them the same type of feelings that you experienced when you felt loved by someone providing care to you.

The prizes for stepping into this way of being are immeasurable. Not only will your life change because you are truly connecting with people, gone will be most all of the headaches you encounter from day-to-day in your practice because your patients know you care. 

In fact, they will know you love them, and you and your life will change forever.